No one saw it coming and neither did I. When the virus become a pandemic, even in my wildest dreams, I didn’t expect it to hit so close to us. Our concern was more for the elderly and the younger children as they were most vulnerable. Losing a loved one is never easy but losing him to COVID was not something I ever thought I’d have to go through. I just didn’t think it could ever happen to me. I wonder when will I learn that am not immune to things of this world and anything can happen to any of us at any given time. My husband was absolutely healthy with no pre-existing conditions and never expected him to be among the growing death toll. Definitely not him, my husband, the father of my children.
The fear that gripped me when I found out he was positive and it got worse when I saw him fighting to breathe was crazy.
I however call myself lucky because I had chance of being with him unlike many others. I can only imagine the pain that many are going through because they were not able to comfort their spouse when they slipped from the world to make the transition. My heart truly hurts for that extra layer of grief that you all carry.
Thanks to covid, my husband who was so loved by all was denied the good-bye he truly deserved. The man who simply lived happily and enjoyed every moment genuinely with his friends and family was denied meeting his loved ones at his last moments.
There are constant reminders of his death. His death is real and so is my loss. My children's pain is real and so is my pain. My heartache is real and my loss is real. That hole in my heart is also so very real and there is no escaping the loss magnitude.
I question myself over and over. I wonder if there is any more that I could have done to keep him safe. In my mind I replay the last moments over and over again. There is this guilt and burden which is very heavy to walk with.
I feel traumatised and numb. But I know It’s okay to be furious. It’s okay to unplug from the 24/7 cycle. It’s okay if some phone calls go unanswered. It’s okay to lay in bed in your room all day. It’s okay if you haven’t showered. It’s okay if the kids eat junk for dinner. It’s okay that you’re merely existing. So for all those of you suffering this grief: please don’t care... it’s just ok.
Please be sure to take this pandemic seriously because so many have truly been impacted that it really can happen to anyone. During these times please remember to be a little kinder to yourself and others. We are all facing a battle, some worse than others, but we are all struggling in one way or another.
I thank you for reading this and send my deepest condolences if you too have lost someone to this terrible covid virus. Be well! Be safe!